Survivors in Their Own Words: Irene’s Story

I was born and raised in a rural town where pressuring girls to get married and have babies was the norm, and it was heavily reinforced by religion and church culture. Girls there lacked education and empowerment. Nevertheless, my childhood was happy, and I was unaware of the existence of abusive people. The result of all of this was that I got married at the age of 18 to the first person I had a relationship with. My life became tumultuous, and he controlled all aspects of my life.

In the second year of my marriage, I discovered that my husband was addicted to sex and pornography, but he used religion to declare that he was “saved” and that I must therefore forgive him. My husband would create fake email accounts to arrange sexual encounters in hotels, and eventually gave me a sexually transmitted disease. He and I had two children, a boy and a girl, and he used to engage in inappropriate sexual talk in front of them. For several years, I took him to pastors and counselors, because I wanted to save the marriage and take good care of my children, but his behavior never changed at all. He threatened suicide and continued using religion to avoid accountability, and all he wanted from the pastors was a reminder for me to be a submissive wife. All of this went on for 10 years, until the marriage ended in divorce. I felt stupid for being in that relationship for so long, but I was a financially dependent mom with no way out, and I didn’t want to be a failure.

The year after the divorce, I married my second husband, Kyle. We had met a few years before when we were working at the same business, and I sometimes had to ask him for help with lifting things due to an injury. I became emotionally attached to him at a vulnerable point in my life, and he began to exploit this. He lied about his own divorce (I did not realize that his wife was still living with him), he was very charming and funny, and he made me believe that he wasn’t anything like what I had dealt with for so many years. He was twenty years older than me, and he said he would take care of me. I was charmed and fell under his spell. Basically, he love-bombed me.

The reality was that Kyle was a person who always wanted glory for himself, and to be seen as the “hero,” even if it meant getting coworkers fired so that he could be the top employee at work. He always wanted to look good, but behind closed doors he was different. Once we actually got married, the love-bombing stopped and the abuse began. The marriage was a wild rollercoaster and made me feel like I’d failed a second time. Kyle showed me no love or compassion. Two months into the marriage, he told me he would shoot me in the head if I tried to leave him. He was a large man, and physically strong, and he kept me in constant survival mode. I was always trying to protect my children. He would choke me, and he snatched my hair and slammed my head against a door frame, leaving me there to black out. He was very controlling about what I wore, how I styled my hair, and whether I wore make-up. He did not want me wearing tight jeans or revealing clothing outside the house, and he called me a whore. But inside the house, he demanded those things, and hit me across the face to “get rid of” my acne. I was afraid to do so much as curl my hair. I tried to have rational discussions with him about his behavior, but he would always gaslight me and tell me the abuse never happened. Sometimes, he stole my phone and wouldn’t give it back until I promised not to call the police. I did approach two different attorneys about the possibility of divorce, but walked away feeling hopeless and unable to pay. I even had to call 911, but then I told them not to send the police because I did not want my children to be taken away from me.

Kyle’s self-glory was never-ending. In public, he told people that he “let his wife stay home” and paid all the bills. He enjoyed being viewed as a provider and caregiver. But behind closed doors, he tore me down and belittled my children. He told me that all a woman was good for was cooking, cleaning, and making babies. Every time I left the house, he would accuse me of cheating on him. He had a habit of interrupting me and belittling me, even around friends and family. My aunt did notice this, but ultimately the behavior was glossed over due to the rural culture of demeaning jokes and my parents’ lack of understanding of abuse dynamics.

Kyle got me pregnant, wanting to trap me by doing so. It boosted his ego to be able to impregnate someone at the age of 50, and he loved the attention he got from people as an expectant father. Yet, he showed no concern or compassion for me at all during the pregnancy; at one point, he even punched me in the stomach in order to scare me. When we went in for a scan to check on the baby, he wouldn’t even look at me. A nurse practitioner I saw during this time was concerned and asked if everything was OK at home, but I didn’t feel like I could say anything. I had hoped that the baby would heal our relationship, but Kyle continued to make me miserable, and the only way to get any relief from the abuse was to submit to his sexual demands.
After Hunter was born, Kyle did not help me with the baby at all, even when I was recovering, and I finally accepted that he would never be a loving husband, ever. I realized that I had fallen in love with a façade, and not with the person he really was. In fact, Kyle had broken me; I lost my smile and I could no longer feel joy. Furthermore, he was abusive towards Hunter, saying “he’s mine” and “I want him to be like me.” He abused me in front of Hunter in order to “train” him. A DFCS (Department of Family and Children Services) case was opened against him, but subsequently dropped.

Four years into the marriage, I finally left Kyle. I filed a TPO, and on the advice of a police officer, I contacted SafeHomes and began attending counseling there. Unfortunately, I’ve had a difficult experience with the courts these past few years. Kyle’s status and influence in the community have worked in his favor. The judge for my case was reprimanded for misconduct, some of which was towards me, and I believe that the judge’s treatment of my case was retaliatory. Important information was deliberately hidden or pushed out, including a provision in the TPO that Kyle had an opioid addiction and would be required to go to rehab. Kyle’s children from a previous relationship, having previously warned me that he was “mean,” turned against me in court and would not tell the truth about him. Ultimately, the TPO was dropped, Kyle was awarded the marital home, and Hunter was placed in Kyle’s custody. My visitation rights with my youngest child are very limited. I attended a new hearing in the hope of regaining custody of Hunter. I had solid evidence of both Kyle and Hunter talking about murdering people, including me, while all of the evidence in Kyle’s favor was hearsay. I waited again for hope but there was no hope in corruption.

Due to my experience with the courts, I feel uncertainty about whether things will turn out right. I’ve been attending counseling at SafeHomes for over a year now, and my counselor has been amazing. SafeHomes has made me feel very supported, and I now have many tools for coping and navigating my situation. I am fighting for custody of my son, and I am preparing to pursue a master’s degree. I’m trying to have faith, because I want to show my kids that they can overcome lifes challenges.