Survivors in Their Own Words: Tiffany’s Story

I was seven years out of my abusive marriage and, outwardly, I had accomplished so much! I had finally left my narcissistic husband of 30 years and moved to a different state to be closer to my adult daughter’s family. I had a new job that paid well, I was near my grandchildren, and I was working on adjusting to the single life. I woke up one morning and by the end of the day, I was unexpectedly fired from my job. I was shocked and desperately sad. Once again, I had been bullied by someone in power who took advantage of my skills and “pleaser” personality and then dismissed me. Being fired triggered so many negative emotions in me, including that negative voice saying, “You are not good enough, you will never be good enough.” The next year was very challenging for me as I spent most of my time looking for another job and not finding anything. The process was soul-sucking and reinforced my negative self-image. After a 35-year successful career with so much knowledge and experience, it felt like no one valued me or my accomplishments. Coming from an abusive alcoholic childhood, I still struggled with the idea that my value came from what I did and not from who I am. After job searching for a year and losing all of my savings, I eventually found a $14/hour retail job with a company that bullies and disrespects its employees. At this point, I was feeling very depressed, sad, and angry. I struggled with the question: “How am I supposed to function in the world when I don’t feel I have the ability to manage all of the emotional baggage I carry with me after 54 years of abuse?” Although I had been in therapy since my divorce, I had not yet learned how to navigate through the daily challenges of life. I needed help.

I first heard about SafeHomes from a nurse working at an urgent care clinic who shared some brochures with me. I had been injured at work and was being refused workers compensation because of the poor policies of the retail company. I shared with the nurse how I was struggling with my negative emotions and she told me the people at SafeHomes were very approachable and they had great resources. I was not sure SafeHomes was for me because I was not in an active abusive relationship, but I decided to call and see if I could find out more about their programs. I was invited to come and fill out an application detailing events of my past and how I was affected by them. I was treated with kindness and reassured that SafeHomes also supports people who are no longer in active abusive relationships but are still on a healing journey. I got the sense that they understood that trauma and abuse in childhood and adulthood continues to be difficult to navigate even after having left abusive relationships. I felt seen, heard, and safe. Even though I had moved away from my abuser, I took comfort in the gate that locks to get into the parking lot, the anonymous building with the locked door, and the locked doors you have to go through to get past the reception area. I did not realize until I was in the building how much fear I still carry with me just going about my daily life.

After filling out the application at SafeHomes, I met with a staff member who asked me what help I felt I needed. I was thrilled to discover free counseling was offered and also free career counseling. Making counseling so accessible was very important to me in my situation and I am so grateful for that service. My counseling experience at SafeHomes included both a counselor and a career counselor. It was very beneficial to me to see both because I was able to talk about my struggles with my counselor and then apply what I was learning with the career counselor. Both counselors were kind and approachable, and I felt seen and heard. In past therapy sessions before SafeHomes, I spent most of my time understanding the effects of growing up in an abusive alcoholic home and being married to a narcissist. I researched a lot on my own, as well, but I had never addressed how I manage all of the effects of the abuse in my daily life. What do I do when I am being triggered by someone or something? How do I approach situations that frighten or stress me? How do I learn to recognize physical reactions in my body that come from my past traumas? Working with the three counselors I ended up seeing at SafeHomes, I asked these questions and we explored body awareness; emotional management techniques; and resources to help me become more self-aware and able to apply what I was learning to the life challenges I was experiencing. The career counselor also suggested structure techniques that helped me focus on my job strengths and what I valued most in my work. I learned to better accept that I don’t have to be perfect, that I can have boundaries, and also not to take disappointments so personally.

Through my work in counseling, I learned that I have had courage and strength my whole life that I never acknowledged. I became more aware of my body’s reactions to perceived danger and how to manage that fear through self-talk and meditative techniques. I also began a gratitude practice which helps me focus on what I am grateful for in my life, even when I have to navigate challenges. Because I was treated with kindness and respect in my counseling sessions, I learned to accept that the healing process is a long journey. I am practicing the idea of “one day at a time” and giving myself grace for slipping into old habits of reacting to situations with fear. Sometimes, I just need to be patient and give myself time to process. I also recognize that there are some situations that will never be easy for me and that it is okay to walk away when it is best for my health. I am proud that I have not given up on the idea that I can continue to heal and that I can experience more joy in my life. I am proud that I have been willing to take some risks that have paid off and that I am in a better place now than I was when I began counseling at SafeHomes. I have a new job that aligns with my values and I am hopeful that I will have opportunities to grow in my new position, and share my knowledge and experience. I am looking forward to taking more time for myself, and continuing to get better at saying “no” when I am uncomfortable. I also enjoy helping others who are struggling by sharing my empathy and all that I have learned about the effects of abuse and how to manage them.

Since I found SafeHomes, I have shared with many others my positive experience in counseling. I always emphasize my feelings of safety due to the security of the building and the approachability of the staff. I admire all of the programming that SafeHomes does to support women in so many ways and all of the resources that are available. I reassure others that although it is scary to go someplace new with people you don’t know, it is well worth it to give yourself the opportunity to get the help you need with so many knowledgeable, caring people. Please reach out – you are worth it!!

To protect survivor safety and confidentiality, this testimonial uses a fictional name and image, and certain identifying details have been changed. The story is based on the experiences of a survivor served by SafeHomes.